Its Like I'm Paranoid Looking Over My Back
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Our Olympic Hotties week continues with Leryn Franco of Paraguay who throws a mean javelin. Into the hearts of men everywhere. Cupid jokes rule!
Leryn has a 2007 calendar out if anyone would like to purchase70 one. I bought one because I don't have anything in my apartment that tells me what month it is. Sure it might be for '07, but I still need to know what month comes after April. I always stumble on that.
Leryn has a 2007 calendar out if anyone would like to purchase
(side note: If you disagree with the Olympic hottie of the day you cannot just say you disagree. You must provide a 350 word reason why followed by a 200 word rebuttal to the reason so I have both sides. Or you must give another person for nomination. Either way.)
And for the ladies, ugh, here's a picture of some dude with his shirt off. Whatever. We're not pieces of meat.
Ryan Lochte - USA- Swimming
Anytime you read Men's Health or MSN.com or Highlights magazine they always tell you the best places to pick up women. It's always the usual. Grocery Store, Book Store, Toys R Us. They never tell you what to do when you want to talk to someone in awkward places. Why won't they tell me what to do when I meet a girl walking into the men's room at a bar? Wouldn't that be the easiest place to pick someone up?
"Hey baby, gotta pee?"
"Yes"
"Awesome, lets dance, but wash your hands first. "
It shouldn't be that hard. On Saturday I went to the bank to deposit my extremely large paycheck into my extremely large bank account with my extremely large fingers. Damn. Ruined that sentence. Anyways, since I go to the bank often I usually run into the same tellers. They give me a wink, a smile and a free lollipop before depositing my check and giving me back the $5 I requested be taken out of the check for a delish Subway Sub.
Shameless plug.
This past Saturday I went up to a new teller and let's just say she was the most amazing teller in the history of bank tellers. Perfect typing ability, nice eyes, nice customer service, good hair, quick transaction time, nice boo...bone structure. Once I went up to her I was googly eyed and really couldn't even speak. Normally that kind of things only happens to me during the week every time I talk to a woman, not on a Saturday morning at the bank.
I had entered the Twilight Zone. (I'm not sure what that is, but it sounded good).
I walked up to her and handed her my check (yes I don't have direct deposit because our HR department is a freakin' mess) while trying not to stare a hole through her when she put my info into the computer. She looked up and cutely mispronounced my name and I corrected her. She giggled. Giggling is good right? Dammit. Why did I not bring my Maxim magazine with me? I think its on page 85. She kept smiling the whole time and I thought I got it. Got what? Got milk? What? I'm stupid.
As I was standing there I wondered if there is proper protocol for asking someone out when they are standing behind glass and looking at your bank account. Ok that's strike one. She already knows my net worth is less than most 12 year olds. Maybe I should slide my phone number on the piece of paper that she gives back to me. Yeah that would be smooth. Ladies love the smooth like James Dean. James Dean was great. I wouldn't know, but he sounds great. While I was contemplating all of these scenarios she turned back to me and said...
"Do you want to open up a credit card with us?"
"um, well, um, you see I just opened a thing with, um, uhhhh, yeah."
I was bumbling like a fool. I couldn't even speak around this girl. It was embarrassing.
"What was that? It's free to open."
"You see I have a credit thing."
A credit thing? A credit thing? I am officially the dumbest man in America. Maybe North America.
"You don't have to..."
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes I'll open one."
She could have offered to break a vase over my head and would have relented. She could have offered to push me out of a plane with no parachute and I would have said yes.
WHERE IS MY WILLPOWER?!?!
After opening a credit card I don't need or want I walked out of the Bank wondering how I could be so overcome that I couldn't speak.
Next time I go to the bank I'm going right up to her and demanding her to have coffee with me.
Or I'll never go to the bank again.
34 comments:
what's up with your and SO@24 having no willpower with the opposite sex these days?
i hope she at least gave you a high credit limit so you can buy her something pretty, or coffee - same thing.
What is it with bank tellers? I have a bank teller who is stalking me. Why he would stalk a chick who is worth less than 32 cents is beyond me.
I'd be afraid of dating a woman who could impale me from 70 meters away whenever she saw me talking to someone else.
I go up to ask a woman where the bathroom is, all innocent-like, and next thing you know I have a swizzle stick poking out of my chest? No thanks.
Dude you gotta be all charming and stuff when you talk to the teller.
Try to work in past restraining orders (shows you care) and your judge-ordered methadone clinic appointments (women like fixer-uppers), or if all else fails next time bring a puppy.
Why doesn't my bank have an attractive teller? They are all old ladies who are 40 plus and not hot 40 plus like Demi Moore, but really gross 40 plus like Madonna. And no men tellers. I call sexism!
Also, I think your hot female olympic athlete of the day is way better than yesterday's. And that piece of meat, I mean, male athlete is uh, nice. Yeah, nice is a good word. That's PG enough, right?
"...and that's when I realized I was gay."
I'm waiting for that post. Someday, it will happen. You can't have this many female mishaps by accident.
I learned this the hard way. It was a male teller named Serge and we...
Nevermind.
And let me guess...you also forgot the lollipop.
Good luck with this new lucky lady. Is using the word luck twice in one sentence too much?
You went and did again didn't you? A picture of a hot male swimmer. This is really distracting me from reading the rest of your post.
There's nothing more I enjoy reading than a boy and his attempts with the opposite sex. It brings a smile to my face, and so, I appreciate you sharing this with us. It cheered up my otherwise mundane work day.
P.S.
Another LP quote. I think I love you.
nice pick with ryan lochte, the man is hot. at least his body is.
and seriously you need to ask that girl out, she made you get a credit card that's some skill right there, haha.
what im ultimately glad to hear is that she had good hair. that's key. yes, ask her for coffee, or better yet, offer to go get her one and then ask her out for an adult beverage.
ryan lochte? please and thank you.
They say those are the best places to pick up men as well. It's a lie. Hot guys never grocery shop, Hot guys never buy books and a hot guy at toys r us just means the wife and kids are down another isle.
She should have at least given you her # for opening up the credit card. Tease.
You need to win the lottery, then go deposit that while she is working.
Then you're golden
She used her pretty face to make you open a credit card? Bush League. George Bush League even. I think you should deposit $14 worth of pennies and make her count that shit!
"Hey baby, gotta pee?"
Best pick up line ever! Eventually, everybody does, right?? Right???
Try it on teller babe.
No really. You can trust me.
try this: "hey, I would like to make a (pause for effect) DEPOSIT ;)"
Klassy!!
FAIL!
Sorry.
She works around money all day. You should probably write your number on a one-dollar bill, winked and said, "There's more where this one came from sugar."
You're an equal opportunity pimp and I find that commendable.
How come the "Funniness Comment" contest is still up? Also, what is "funniness"?
much better selections today. ryan lochte is much hotter than michael phelps even if he has less medals. And the chick today is hot.
I approve.
Don't mess with the bank teller...if things go badly, she can ruin you...RUIN YOU!!! (shaking my fist in disgust!)
You should have asked for a $10 withdrawal instead of $5 and then asked her what her thoughts were on a footlong.
:-)
Thanks for that calendar link. I appreciated that.
Hahahahahahaha!
God man, pick your jaw off the floor and ask her out. She giggled! That is a universally good sign.
Even if you did speak like a moron.
:D
Alexa-If by something pretty you mean an XBox then yes.
Chardsy- 32 cents goes pretty far these days. We do live in 1924 right?
Justin- Point taken.
c.watson- Yes a puppy fomr a methadone clinic is the way to go.
plath- You must live in Pleasantvile.
moooog- You cant resist the Serge.
MM- the third luck in the comment was a little much.
Marie- Look at the girl!
mind- Mundane sounds hot. no? nevermind.
Katelin- Credit Cards are the way to a man's heart. Read that once.
brookem- Instead of coffee go out for 40s? I like your style
Bluca- Hot guys have their hot girls do everything for them.
Alice- One lotto ticket please. Make it a winner.
Narm- I don't have 14 dollars worth of pennies. I'm lame.
lacochran- Yes, this will be done.
Ms.868- Oh the sexual innendo is so good!
Martini- Damn, you know your way around the ladies. Sugar always gets 'em.
Ben- Pimp juice.
Chris- Because I'm lazy. I made up funniness.
Maxie- Hot much?
Bogart- Bank tellers are evil.
M- Fantastic. io'm writing this down. foot long. ask. about. mine.
Blaez- :):^:&:J:K
surviving- This is what you have to look forward to when you get married.
Kali- I always speak like a moron. That is not good.
Next time you hand her your check, slip a piece of paper in with it with your phone number. With a wink say "that's for you."
SO SLICK.
Ok, the olympian is hot, I'll agree.
Are you one of those people (THOSE PEOPLE!) who insists on handing their money to an actual person? USE THE ATM LIKE EVERYONE NORMAL!
I mean REALLY. Who wants HUMAN CONTACT these days? Not I!
She sounds dangerous - I would avoid her next time you go to the bank. I mean just think what else she could convince you to do.
Ok- I have NEVER read in Men's health where to pick up chicks.
Oh...I forgot to tell you....I'm moonlighting as a man. ;)
BTW- it's LL. This is my new persona.
Your crop today is much better than Monday's.
Come on dude, she's buckled.
Just sayin' what we're all thinkin.
I have this hilarious mental picture of you sliding her your phone number, and her thinking that it says "I have enough megatons of explosive strapped on me to blow this place away."
Isn't that how the cool bank robbers do it these days? Via notes?
Is it wrong that I don't give a flying fig newton about the olympics?
Not even the hotties...
What is wrong with me???
God why did you make me this way???
*shakes fists at the sky*
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