Can't Stop Til I See My Name on a Blimp

For a person that's never been arrested or really been in trouble with any authority my whole life, I've been kicked out of a lot of places in my life.

Except bed.

By myself.

What?

Anyways, I don't really hang out with a rough crowd unless you count guys that understand what http means or guys that don't talk to girls or the one dude with tattoos all up and down his forearms that's eats small babies. But it's cool because babies are his necessary fuel to live for the day.

Just trying to live.

I was thinking about this the other day. The last 10 years I have been kicked out of a variety of places for the actions of my friends with no fault of my own. Hey, I'm just watching. Well I could stop my friends for doing something stupid, but that would be stifling their creativity and who am I to stop someone from possible becoming the next Picasso? Well the next alive Picasso. Maybe not Picasso. How about the next Marc Curry. Hanging with Mr. Cooper?!?! Creative Genius!

In order to satisfy myself I've decided to come up with my top 5 places I've been kicked out of the last 8 years. I figure this will make me happy for the non-rebellious person that I am.

5. O'Brien's Pub- Los Angeles, CA - 2006

We go to O' Briens which have 2 people in it after a concert on a Monday night. The bartender decides after one drink that he's not going to serve my friend. My friend becomes furious and instead of yelling and screaming like she normally does, she smiles, waits for the bartender to turn around and tips over a whole row of glasses behind the bar. Glass shatters. She laughs. I cry. And we are told to "get the hell out"

4. FFFFF- Hermosa Beach, CA - 2007

While drinking heavily on the Hermosa Pier we're at a bar with an overhang looking over a courtyard. My friend's boyfriend goes outside into the courtyard for a cigarette. My friend decided it would be an awesome idea to try to pour her beer into her boyfriend's mouth from about 30 feet in the air. I root them on because I like athletic endeavors. Big Bouncer sees us and tells us to leave right now. I try to rationalize with 300 pound man. 300 pound man grabs my arm and leads me out. I do not argue any longer.


3. McDonalds - NYC -2000

We spent a spring break in NYC one year at my friend's cousin's sweet high rise pad on the upper west side of the city. We decide to go down to the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame and get our soup. There are no seats at the Soup Nazi place because that wouldn't be very Nazi of him. So we take our soup into the neighboring McDonald's to sit down. After looking us over for 5 minutes the manager comes over and informs us that we can't eat outside food in McDonald's. Conversation ensued.

Manager- "Excuse me you have to leave"
Friend - "What if I buy something"
Manager- "Then you can eat it here"
Friend - "What if i buy a soda. Everyone needs soda to wash down a meal."
Manager- "Then you can drink the soda"
Friend- "After I eat? Gotcha"
Manager- " You have to go"
Friend- "Supersize?"
Manager- "I'm calling security"
Friend- "See ya!"

2. Quad - Syracuse - 2001

Now while this may seem highly impropable my roommate and I did it in the summer of 2000. We were staying at our house for the summer and Syracuse was having a student appreciation something or other on the Quad. But instead of giving away refreshments, students could use their student card to buy refreshments. Lame.

My roommate and I decided it would be splendid to go down there and hand out free lemonade ala the old Tom Green "Undercutters" skit. Undercutting the competition. After handing out lemonade out of our sweet life size Gatorade bucket that was in a shopping cart, campus security escort us off the quad for selling "unlicensed refreshments". When we told the lady we were giving it away for free, she just retorted, "well aren't you special?" The Real Life Church Lady! I knew Dana Carvey took that from a real person.

All of it is recorded on videotape and the public safety officer followed us all the way home and told us to "not come back". Um we go to school here lady. You don't tell..Oh, she pulled out her mace..RUN!!!!


1. Hancock Airport- Syracuse -2002

As an assignment for my journalism class, in which I despised and hated every single person in there because they were all TV geeks and I was cool, I headed out to the only airport in town. Like Mike Seaver cool when he was hanging out with Boner Stabbone. I walk in with my bulky camera and start filming everything. Military personel, kids eating ice cream, up women's skirts. Anything that had any journalistic value at all. As I make my way upstairs to the security area to film some sweet bag screeners I get stopped by the police. The real motherf'ing Po po. 5-0.. The pigs. The fuzz. The do-dos. Ok, I'll stop. They confiscate my camera which was rented with my student id from the school and my tape.

Me- "Um, I kind of need that camera back because I can't afford replacing it."
Police- "Well you can't tape in here. It's illegal."
Me- "I didn't see a sign, I thought it was..."
Police- "You giving me lip boy?"
Me- (wetting my pants) " N-N-N- No s-s-s-sir."
Police- "Good, I'm keeping this tape. Here's your camera and please leave the premises"
Me- "Yes, sir. Over and out."
Police - "What?"
Me - "Just leaving, just leaving."

I went back to class to relay the story where I was scolded by my professor for giving up the tape. We have to fight for the tape, he repeated. I repeated that he had a gun. He asked me if I wanted to be a journalist. I said no. He said then what do you want to be. I said an NBA player or really rich. I will settle for marrying rich though and being a bum.

I won.