Aint Too Proud to Beg

With the Olympics getting underway tomorrow (or today or whatever the hell time it is in China) it is with great pleasure that I unveil to you one of my secrets. It's something I hadn't planned on telling anyone, but I feel like on Olympic eve it's just the right time to do it.

Michael Phelps is my bff.

Now, some of you may be asking who is Michael Phelps. Some of you may be wondering how you get Michael Phelps' phone number and lastly some of you may be wondering how you can see the god like physique of Michael Phelps on display in a bedroom near you.

I can't help you with any of that.

Michael Phelps is an American swimmer that's trying to erase Mark Spitz's (He's Jewish!) name from the record book for greatest moustaches ever most Olympic gold medals in one Olympiad. You might remember Spitz famously donning a Speedo in 1972, collecting 7 gold medals and showing the world that mustachioed people everywhere will not be taken lightly as they have the previous 196 years of America's existence.

Tom Selleck, BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD!

One thing that is almost certain, barring some bad Panda Express in China, is that Phelps will obliterate the record for lifetime gold medals in this Olympics. The record is 9 and Phelps already has 6. That record is tied by Spitz and by none other than the ever talented Carl Lewis. Seen here. (There's a Finnish Dude and a Russian girl tied in there with 9 gold medals also, but they're not American so most people don't care because Americans are self serving and in differential to other cultures. But remember, America, land of the free. Right? Right?)

Anyways back in 2003 when Mike, I call him Mike because we're best buds, was training with the North Baltimore Aquatic Club he was just a growing 18 year old getting ready for the Athens Olympics. I was a creepy 23 year old living outside Baltimore just looking to latch on to the fame and success of others with more will and determination than myself.

My mom says I've gotten worse.

I had read in a wonderful article by the Baltimore Sun about Mikey P's daily regimen in training for the Olympics. It consisted of basically swimming all day. Boring. But since he did swim all day he had one of the most ridiculous breakfast spreads I had ever read about. I'm talking 4 stacks of pancakes, 8 pounds of hash browns, 321 bacon strips, 68 sausage links, 10 hard boiled eggs, 14 omelette's. and only one glass of orange juice. (some of that may be approximate). Guy's a trooper. Since he was burning so many calories he had to replenish himself after he worked out at 5 AM. It was ridiculous. Anyways, after I finished reading the article I gave the homeless person back his newspaper hat went on my way.

One day while driving around a suburb of Baltimore I saw a tall lanky white man in the distance. He was gangly a little aloof and smiling. I know what you guys are all thinking and no, it wasn't Dustin Diamond. Too bad. Anyways as I park my car and start heading into an IHOP I see him. My boy Mike just walking around. I always like meeting famous people. Especially ones that are younger than me and already an infinitesimal amount more successful than I'll ever be.

I cry at night.

I get up to about 10 feet from Phelps and start maybe the greatest friendship a guy could ever ask for. Well outside of being Chuck Norris friend. He kicks ass. Like literally.

Me- "Dude, Pancakes? Totally love them. Syrup and all that good stuff."
Michael Phelps- "Pancakes are good."
Me- "Yes."

Nothing else was said. Nothing else needed to be said. Just like that a bond was formed. A connection. A bond over pancakes. I can feel it. Me and Michael Phelps, Aunt Jemima's lost sons. Mike hasn't called me in 5 years, but I know he's thinking about me. He's been busy with this Olympics nonsense. But he'll call after he's done dream chasing and we'll go out and get chicks together and laugh about the good times. So many good times.

Phelps is going for 8 golds in 8 days starting on 8-8-08.

The symmetry is so sweet.

Ask him about the pancakes if you see him.