We Multiply Like We Mathmetice

Happy Canada Day! What better way to celebrate than by saying the words, "eh" and "washroom." I will drink some Molson Ice for all of Canada tonight. Also I will look at your awesome flag and dream that it is my flag.

I'm pretty sure I've caught the first American case of Bird Flu. Ahem, Avian Flu virus. I'm dizzy, hot, and have only had 3 delicious G2 Gatorade Fierces. Oh no, it's not G2! What a bitch. You damn dirty..what was I saying? Yes.

Sine I was having people over last night, I decided that I actually had to make my apartment look presentable. Maybe pick up my socks form the living room. Maybe actually do the dishes. Use toilet paper. You know the usual stuff. There's only one place in the world to go to when you need cleaning supplies on the cheap. Only one.

The 99 cent store.

Is there any better place on Earth? Where else can you get toilet cleaner, a spatula, a bag of 3 week old oranges, a kids toy and hepatitis C for only 99 cents? No where! One of these days I'm going to do a top 10 inventions list and the 99 cent store will be somewhere on it. How much for this laundry basket? 99 cents. How much for this shower cap? 99 cents. the prices never change! Oh, hallelujah 99 cent store. How you've saved me the aggravation of actually paying more than a dollar for anything.

The problem I have with the store is that I always seem overdressed. I went on my lunch break yesterday and I was pretty sure I was the only one actually wearing a shirt. Some guy had on half a tank top. An old guy was wearing a towel, I think. Listen I'm not against towels as appropriate forms of dress, I just think its a little eclectic.

Not gonna lie, I also picked up a 99 cent towel to wear around my house. Dude is trendy.

I also don't know where to draw the line at the 99 cent purchases. I'm pretty sure cleaning products are acceptable as a 99 cent item, but a watermelon? Is that ok? What about steak? As delicious as a 99 cent steak sounds, it also sounds infested with Ryan Seacrest's hair product.

Seacrest, indeed, is out.

As awesome as the store is, it also is pretty stocked with the geriatric crew. (Aside: I wish there was a Justice League of Old People for superheroes. I'll call them "Super Old People." We have Leftturning Johnson, Sonny Boy Toots, and 4 Bits Boone. They just go around regaling people with their "good ole days" stories until people fall asleep and then they bring them to justice. Quick someone get Stan Lee on the phone. This whole rant was so nerdy that I just hiked my pants up above my waist and set up a Dunegeons and Dragons game. Kill me.) Old people are funny. When I was waiting in line with my sponge, mop, air freshener, carpet cleaner and my 6 pack of Fanta Soda (99 cents! And I hate Fanta!) the older man in front of me was having an issue with "addition."

Darryl, the nice young cashier- "That'll be 16.04 sir."
Old Man- "But I only got 15 things!"
Darryl- "Yes,but there is tax so its 16.04"
Old Man- "I only got 15 things! Great Googly Mooogly! (He didn't say this)"
Darryl -"Yes, sir"
Old Man- "Let's count them. One two three....15"
Darryl- "Yes, but there is tax, here look at the screen"
Old Man- "Let me see that!"

At this point the guy grabs his screen and spins it towards him. Shaken by this newfangled technology of words not on paper, he got confused and just gave up. While doing that, Darryl punched in something on his keyboard and the old guy thought Darryl was trying to hit him.

Darryl don't hit no old dudes.

The old guy goes, "Don't touch me young man!" while Darryl was befuddled. The old man ripped his change out of Darryl's hand and left. Then he stole a key chain from the front of the store.

Did I say anything? Nope. Sometimes old people just need key chains. Darryl saw it too and just looked and shrugged. When I got to the front of the line I asked Darryl if I could have one of those sweet key chains.

"Only if you can't add and are over 134"

Only 127 107 more years to go for that key chain, Darryl. 127107 more years.

(I am dumb)